Do You IQ ?  

1,000 Words

Written by

Jared Y. Sexton

I'm not a geek. Seriously.

I want it made official: I am not a geek.

No. Negative. I, for those concerned, am a James Dean type, dangerous, spontaneous, an extreme athlete who skydives in the morning and solves crimes by night. I perform death- defying stunts while guzzling cans of Mountain Dew. I can do one of those cool kicks straight out of “The Matrix,” complete with time slowdown.

I exaggerate, but just a little.

So when I was asked to write a column for this “geek issue,” I was shocked.

Moi? A geek?

Crazy talk, I say. I’m not obsessed with “Star Wars.”  I can relate specific details about the movies, but I’ve never once read a “novel” based on the work. I cannot tell you in what star system Second Admiral Crazy Fish-Head gained his fourth interstellar guidance badge. I don’t know which Ewoks are the girls.

“Lord of the Rings” was okay, but I don’t put on chain mail and go to Ye Olde Jousting Emporium.

I’ve never lost -2 mana.

If, and I emphasize “if,” I ever decided to try and play D&D, my character would be named PENDERgrass, and he would mock all the other players while swinging a 17-foot battle axe. And he wouldn’t care what class of orc you are.

I don’t watch anime because I’m afraid my brain might try and remove itself from its stem and escape. I once sat through an hour of whatever that one is where the guy has psychic powers and screams a lot and stuff blows up and bodies burst. Afterwards I ran straight into a wall.

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Trekkie. When I was about six or seven I was punished by being made to watch that damn show, and I’ll tell you what: Captain Kirk was a hack, and Bones was the only one on the whole ship who deserved to live.

I don’t listen to music that makes me wear make-up. I don’t live and die on J.K. Rowling’s every word. I don’t know how to do anything but turn my computer on. I don’t salivate until my pants get wet at the mere sight of Lindsay Lohan. I’m not currently writing this column in my basement, clad only in boxers, with an endless supply of Code Red at my fingertips so I don’t have to stop playing EverQuest for even a second. I think online gaming sucks.

But, I have a confession to make. The other day I was having an errant conversation with a friend, and he happened to mention the 1984 Cubs. From there he said, “Sandberg had a hell of a year.”

Now, Ryne Sandberg is my favorite baseball player of all time. So, with little hesitance I chimed in “.314, 19, 84” without really thinking. The look I got was less than admirable.

I’m not saying I’m a sports geek, no sir. A sports enthusiast is more like it. After all, does printing off 20 to 30 copies of the NCAA Tournament brackets qualify a person as a geek? Not in this country, son.

So in between checking my e-mail and logging off I usually check how minor league ballplayers, most of whom will never play in the major leagues, are doing. Doesn’t everybody?

And, on that note, doesn’t everyone else watch upwards of two or three hours of news a day? It’s only natural, right? I mean, who knows how much the world will change every fifteen seconds, despite the fact that every story is recycled on a ten minute basis. And who can stand just to get their news from one source? I need to know how MSNBC is covering the story CNN just aired.

And, while we’re at it, who else watches FOX News for entertainment? If you were smart you would. Just watch those dumb flag banners and in-your-face graphics appear and cloud the screen. Try and pay attention to those, because the commentary is ridiculous. For my money there’s nothing more hilarious that hearing Sean Hannity make an ass out of himself. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve passed on going out with friends just to hear that weasel talk. Oh, what a card!

Politics. God. If only I could find a way to make you understand how much time I’ve wast…er, spent following politics. Bills, filibusters, budget meetings. Nothing says cool like old white men in suits, nothing.

Video games.

Everyone who’s cool plays videogames. It’s a scientific fact. Scientists have done studies involving graphs and numbers. Look it up.

Who needs physical activity when you can sit and make other people, virtual people, experience it for you? That’s the epitome of cool if you ask me. Yeah, I might have spent the equivalent of 20 full days on last year’s baseball game, but if you ask me, it was worth it. I mean, I bought a new one, but those memories I made are going to be with me forever.

Screw you, sun.

Screw you, environment.

Screw you, experiences.

I’m a music snob, I’ll admit it. I have no problem whatsoever in insulting your personal taste in music and then candidly explaining why.

Here’s a prediction: your favorite band sucks.

I’ve got bands on my iPod you’ve never even heard of. Don’t ask for their names. They’re probably too cool for you anyway.

So what if I’ve got crap on there the likes of which you’ve never seen? I personally think Matthew Good offsets the fact that I have Whitesnake on there. After all, he’s cool, and Canadian, and intellectual.

And it’s just Whitesnake.

What do you know anyway?

So what if I randomly burst into song when a horrible pop hit comes through on the radio? That’s what we cool people do. You wouldn’t understand. And the fact that I find commercials funny? That’s none of your concern. And yes, I have cats, and I play with them and pet them and give them names.

In conclusion, I am cool.

Really.